Posts tagged ‘Miss’

Confession of an Obsessive Lover

I think love is the strangest and craziest of all emotions. when logic, commonsense and reasoning are actually overruled by a strange force or forces acting in our mind. or may be in our hearts too. i have often thought about the prospect of what if… what if she actually loved me? will i be able to play my part, and play it right in doing whatever needs to be done to keep that sacred union of two souls alive? not let it die tragically of pain. would we be together for ever? will there be happiness till end times? thoughts are flushing inside my head. some deep voice that i can never tell whose, whispers to me repeatedly, “dont lie now”….  and i know the answer could very well be no! which means, this love is only going to leave her in pain. the thing that is meant to heal, causes misery and pain. how could i desire that which is going to hurt her? dont i love her? dont i love her that much not to hurt her? but my heart still desires. beats faster with every thought of her in my mind. desires to feel the warmth of her love. desires to look at her face, may be one of her picture at least…. my arms want to hold her and wishes time to stand sill when that happens. i desire her to love me! how could that be? i really dont know. is it bad to desire someone’s love, even if it means more hurt for them?

i dont think my heart wants to know. cause it overrules all these thoughts of logic and reasoning. it only know that it does not have that love which it desires so madly. it just wants that love and will not stop feeling deeply distressed. almost in a permanent state of lamentation.

its strange that the insight came to me when i looked at heavens. or may be its not so strange after all. it was the night when in a deep melancholic state i looked up at the dark and starry sky and thought about all this. i have always believed in an intelligent entity woven  all around us in everything. may be there was indeed some kind of communication and revelation. i realized why my heart was actually distressed. i knew that our paths had to lose each other. no matter what. i had made a choice. there was only one way out!

Strange how love makes you forget all the past realizations and turns your focus only on the present. but isnt that what every one tells us to do? live in the present. and ‘they’ also tell us that love is the greatest of all the things. but why does it feel like the whole world around you is conspiring up to force you into doing the opposite? i feel like a coward sometimes. but i also believe that in the end the most important thing that matters is how you feel. does it mean that i am afraid? afraid of the world. afraid of living in it. afraid of the good things in it. afraid of life.

even as i am thinking about all these my mind is forced back into thoughts about the one thing that i dont have. it is steered into sadness at the thought of not having the one love that it so pathetically desires. it is back composing sad poetic phrases most of which get lost in random thoughts, just like the moments i spend these days. i am not able to seek my way out of this invisible shell around me that says “i am going to be a loser” all over it. feels like a part of me now.  it also feels like i need to get used to it. but i am still trying.

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de ja vu

will you ever know how it feels like to love someone who doesnt love you back? how it feels like to be awake in the middle of the night, when the rainfall never stops and your stomach is always in ropes. perhaps someday you’ll know how it feels like to be me. perhaps someday you’ll see, what you have done to me. how traumatizing it is to remain friends with someone you are madly in love with. to see somebody else become all that you wanna be, all that you’ll never be. to be flooded with the streams of moments that you could never be a part of. how agonizing it is to see their face every moment, everywhere you go, in everything you do. perhaps someday you will know why my heart turned blue. its true, oh yeah, its true. i’ll always love you. and you’ll never love me.

i dont understand your conciliation. god! i dont understand you. a girl like you who knows it all should also know that it really hurts. its not your fault that you dont love me. but hay, not mine either that i fell in love with you. strange, how we get haunted by the very love we’ve always wanted. how did it come to be like this?! i dont know. may be its just me. and my stupid senses. i never wanted to forget you. but i wanted the weights taken off my chest. it was coming down. it was  slipping away. and for a moment i thought i can live thru. but you didnt give me a chance. i saw the moon dance, on a melancholic song from the east. a bloody beating sphere of red. lands a shockwave in all directions. blowing me back to square one, where i started. beaten, broken, looking all gray. perhaps the only way out is to go away. its getting hard for me to say. getting hard for me to stay.

I still watch the moondance on a song from the east….

Flashback

Oh yeh, i remember…  i once offered to heal your broken heart. Perhaps your first one to start. You said no, i couldn’t be the one, i was losing my years and you were too young. Days passed. months passed. You got a new job. Years passed. A new life had begun for both of us. And then you broke your heart. Again and again. My heart never longed for anyone but you. And then suddenly you crashed into my life again. You wanted to meet, catch up and have some fun. I felt it was too good to be true, i wasn’t a fool. But yeh i was in love, and you were irresistible. We met, we spoke. We laughed, shared thoughts. And i fell. Fell and fell hard. Fell apart. Love was what i needed. But you weren’t looking for one. Just a friend to help you heal and have some fun. I thought no harm done. But it turned out to be untrue. Hurt had long way to go.

You needed me to fill a hole in your heart. I needed you for much more than that. My weakest point in time, i knew only you could have saved me. But yeh, i didn’t wanna be saved. Cause i was not the one for you. Still i had to take the plunge, i drowned, not knowing that my heart would be shattered. Into so many pieces that i could not even recollect. I tried to scream, but my voice was blanketed, suppressed by the sound of my broken heart’s beat. Yeh, it could still beat!

For me a day to cherish forever, for you a day you might not even remember. For me a beautiful memory, for you the day of a big blunder. I thought i could love you, and i did as much as i could. I don’t now if we were best of friends, but i didn’t need anyone else if i had you. I didn’t need anyone else like i needed you. My mind will not stop flashing random frames of moments spent in euphoria. Not sure how to come out of it, when rejection comes with walls of self-pity. Surrounded by it there is no where else that i can be. Feels like deja vu all over again. Doesn’t really matter what is lost or what is gained. But i still gotta run, run away as fast as i can. Before i go insane i gotta run from this pain. I hope it does not follow me again. Reminding me all the moments that i would never forget anyway. I wonder if i will ever find peace. Or shall i just cease to exist.

In Another Life In Another Time In Another World

I have decided to quit and leave. But i’ll come back and make it right next time. If there is a coming back at all, i swear i am going right back to the start. Fall all over again, get drowned in your love, waiting to be found by you. And this time i’ll make it thru, i swear i’ll make it thru. While i walk away right now, you’ll see a day, maybe in another world, in another time when our souls will unite as one, our body perfectly aligned, our mind thinking as one, hearts touched by our love and grace. There will be time to waste, in this perfect world, in your eyes i ‘ll see my face

Now my days are filled with memories of you and nights are filled with dreams that never come true. But in another time in another world, i’ll find a way to be the one that i couldn’t be. When i get to start all over again i’ll make it right, may be in another life, next time. Its been so long, i have forgotten where i belong. My mind full of images and memories of your lovely face i have cherished for so long, steals my smile, my pride taken, my ego wounded. I ask myself should i endure more or give up in vain. Effect the lives of others, give them a meaning, or become meaningless and fade away. Have a healing touch or give them bruises as i crash upon their lives.

My head hurts, my stomach boils while i swallow my own pain. Words are jumbled up in my mind and they make no sense. An avalanche of thoughts crashing down on me all at the same time. They tell me i am a loser, a dickhead and a douchebag. But all this will change, i promise, in another life, another time, another world. My love will always be the same for you. Forever true.