de ja vu

will you ever know how it feels like to love someone who doesnt love you back? how it feels like to be awake in the middle of the night, when the rainfall never stops and your stomach is always in ropes. perhaps someday you’ll know how it feels like to be me. perhaps someday you’ll see, what you have done to me. how traumatizing it is to remain friends with someone you are madly in love with. to see somebody else become all that you wanna be, all that you’ll never be. to be flooded with the streams of moments that you could never be a part of. how agonizing it is to see their face every moment, everywhere you go, in everything you do. perhaps someday you will know why my heart turned blue. its true, oh yeah, its true. i’ll always love you. and you’ll never love me.

i dont understand your conciliation. god! i dont understand you. a girl like you who knows it all should also know that it really hurts. its not your fault that you dont love me. but hay, not mine either that i fell in love with you. strange, how we get haunted by the very love we’ve always wanted. how did it come to be like this?! i dont know. may be its just me. and my stupid senses. i never wanted to forget you. but i wanted the weights taken off my chest. it was coming down. it was  slipping away. and for a moment i thought i can live thru. but you didnt give me a chance. i saw the moon dance, on a melancholic song from the east. a bloody beating sphere of red. lands a shockwave in all directions. blowing me back to square one, where i started. beaten, broken, looking all gray. perhaps the only way out is to go away. its getting hard for me to say. getting hard for me to stay.

I still watch the moondance on a song from the east….

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Flashback

Oh yeh, i remember…  i once offered to heal your broken heart. Perhaps your first one to start. You said no, i couldn’t be the one, i was losing my years and you were too young. Days passed. months passed. You got a new job. Years passed. A new life had begun for both of us. And then you broke your heart. Again and again. My heart never longed for anyone but you. And then suddenly you crashed into my life again. You wanted to meet, catch up and have some fun. I felt it was too good to be true, i wasn’t a fool. But yeh i was in love, and you were irresistible. We met, we spoke. We laughed, shared thoughts. And i fell. Fell and fell hard. Fell apart. Love was what i needed. But you weren’t looking for one. Just a friend to help you heal and have some fun. I thought no harm done. But it turned out to be untrue. Hurt had long way to go.

You needed me to fill a hole in your heart. I needed you for much more than that. My weakest point in time, i knew only you could have saved me. But yeh, i didn’t wanna be saved. Cause i was not the one for you. Still i had to take the plunge, i drowned, not knowing that my heart would be shattered. Into so many pieces that i could not even recollect. I tried to scream, but my voice was blanketed, suppressed by the sound of my broken heart’s beat. Yeh, it could still beat!

For me a day to cherish forever, for you a day you might not even remember. For me a beautiful memory, for you the day of a big blunder. I thought i could love you, and i did as much as i could. I don’t now if we were best of friends, but i didn’t need anyone else if i had you. I didn’t need anyone else like i needed you. My mind will not stop flashing random frames of moments spent in euphoria. Not sure how to come out of it, when rejection comes with walls of self-pity. Surrounded by it there is no where else that i can be. Feels like deja vu all over again. Doesn’t really matter what is lost or what is gained. But i still gotta run, run away as fast as i can. Before i go insane i gotta run from this pain. I hope it does not follow me again. Reminding me all the moments that i would never forget anyway. I wonder if i will ever find peace. Or shall i just cease to exist.

In Another Life In Another Time In Another World

I have decided to quit and leave. But i’ll come back and make it right next time. If there is a coming back at all, i swear i am going right back to the start. Fall all over again, get drowned in your love, waiting to be found by you. And this time i’ll make it thru, i swear i’ll make it thru. While i walk away right now, you’ll see a day, maybe in another world, in another time when our souls will unite as one, our body perfectly aligned, our mind thinking as one, hearts touched by our love and grace. There will be time to waste, in this perfect world, in your eyes i ‘ll see my face

Now my days are filled with memories of you and nights are filled with dreams that never come true. But in another time in another world, i’ll find a way to be the one that i couldn’t be. When i get to start all over again i’ll make it right, may be in another life, next time. Its been so long, i have forgotten where i belong. My mind full of images and memories of your lovely face i have cherished for so long, steals my smile, my pride taken, my ego wounded. I ask myself should i endure more or give up in vain. Effect the lives of others, give them a meaning, or become meaningless and fade away. Have a healing touch or give them bruises as i crash upon their lives.

My head hurts, my stomach boils while i swallow my own pain. Words are jumbled up in my mind and they make no sense. An avalanche of thoughts crashing down on me all at the same time. They tell me i am a loser, a dickhead and a douchebag. But all this will change, i promise, in another life, another time, another world. My love will always be the same for you. Forever true.

Love Assasinated

You put my picture in the book of pals

The very next day you took it away

You hugged me and kissed me like you really loved me

I swear it felt so real that day!

Now your face haunts me in the caves of my mind

With so many memories left behind

The sound of your breath still echoing inside

Calling the love that already died

You said what you never ment

You never said what you really ment

While your memories will always be mine

Those cloudy evenings and afternoon sunshine

I loved you all those times

Even while you made love to someone else

I loved you way before that

Will keep loving you till I’m dead

Thinking about what you haven’t said

But I hope not that you start loving me!

Now that I’m almost thru forgetting you

I Talking

I didn’t want to but I have found you

I’ve been with you I’ve been inside

I know you feel like all hopes have died

But after all these years I‘ve nothing to hide

I had to find you, nothing I’ve got to prove

From square one to sixty-four, this is how I move!

 

You’ve lost your strength, you’ve got your fears

Lost your sight somewhere far from near

With silvery eyes, shining like a dew

Reflecting the light, that comes right through

You stare at me but I haven’t got a face

As you fall from grace, get lost without a trace!

A Dark and Unholy World

The world is a dark and unholy place to be. Darkness of greed and power and a lost divinity. But it was not like this always. Or many of us would like to think. We would like to think that the world can be better. That humans can be enlightened as a whole and then everything would fall in place. A job that is hardly possible. Or is there any such thing called ‘enlightened soul’? May be not. But we are capable of atleast understanding the nature and its systems and the universe as one entity is slowly unfolding in front of our eyes. The world possesses as much knowledge as can be accumulated in 10,000 years and more of human life on this planet. Though many of them could be lost forever but the amount of knowledge will always increase and never decrease from now on. At some point of time we will understand our emotions and the root cause of them. We will understand what life is and is there such a thing called ‘purpose’ in life. The hour may be very near. I wish to see it in my lifetime. Till then the world will remain a dark and unholy place to live. And i will continue to write about sorrows, pain, sadness and fear. love is lost somewhere.

Sart of the End

After blogging for a long time on Bloggers i have decided to try out WordPress. the idea is to combine what i have so far into one location… lets see how it goes 🙂