I think love is the strangest and craziest of all emotions. when logic, commonsense and reasoning are actually overruled by a strange force or forces acting in our mind. or may be in our hearts too. i have often thought about the prospect of what if… what if she actually loved me? will i be able to play my part, and play it right in doing whatever needs to be done to keep that sacred union of two souls alive? not let it die tragically of pain. would we be together for ever? will there be happiness till end times? thoughts are flushing inside my head. some deep voice that i can never tell whose, whispers to me repeatedly, “dont lie now”….  and i know the answer could very well be no! which means, this love is only going to leave her in pain. the thing that is meant to heal, causes misery and pain. how could i desire that which is going to hurt her? dont i love her? dont i love her that much not to hurt her? but my heart still desires. beats faster with every thought of her in my mind. desires to feel the warmth of her love. desires to look at her face, may be one of her picture at least…. my arms want to hold her and wishes time to stand sill when that happens. i desire her to love me! how could that be? i really dont know. is it bad to desire someone’s love, even if it means more hurt for them?

i dont think my heart wants to know. cause it overrules all these thoughts of logic and reasoning. it only know that it does not have that love which it desires so madly. it just wants that love and will not stop feeling deeply distressed. almost in a permanent state of lamentation.

its strange that the insight came to me when i looked at heavens. or may be its not so strange after all. it was the night when in a deep melancholic state i looked up at the dark and starry sky and thought about all this. i have always believed in an intelligent entity woven  all around us in everything. may be there was indeed some kind of communication and revelation. i realized why my heart was actually distressed. i knew that our paths had to lose each other. no matter what. i had made a choice. there was only one way out!

Strange how love makes you forget all the past realizations and turns your focus only on the present. but isnt that what every one tells us to do? live in the present. and ‘they’ also tell us that love is the greatest of all the things. but why does it feel like the whole world around you is conspiring up to force you into doing the opposite? i feel like a coward sometimes. but i also believe that in the end the most important thing that matters is how you feel. does it mean that i am afraid? afraid of the world. afraid of living in it. afraid of the good things in it. afraid of life.

even as i am thinking about all these my mind is forced back into thoughts about the one thing that i dont have. it is steered into sadness at the thought of not having the one love that it so pathetically desires. it is back composing sad poetic phrases most of which get lost in random thoughts, just like the moments i spend these days. i am not able to seek my way out of this invisible shell around me that says “i am going to be a loser” all over it. feels like a part of me now.  it also feels like i need to get used to it. but i am still trying.