Archive for January, 2011

Confession of an Obsessive Lover

I think love is the strangest and craziest of all emotions. when logic, commonsense and reasoning are actually overruled by a strange force or forces acting in our mind. or may be in our hearts too. i have often thought about the prospect of what if… what if she actually loved me? will i be able to play my part, and play it right in doing whatever needs to be done to keep that sacred union of two souls alive? not let it die tragically of pain. would we be together for ever? will there be happiness till end times? thoughts are flushing inside my head. some deep voice that i can never tell whose, whispers to me repeatedly, “dont lie now”….  and i know the answer could very well be no! which means, this love is only going to leave her in pain. the thing that is meant to heal, causes misery and pain. how could i desire that which is going to hurt her? dont i love her? dont i love her that much not to hurt her? but my heart still desires. beats faster with every thought of her in my mind. desires to feel the warmth of her love. desires to look at her face, may be one of her picture at least…. my arms want to hold her and wishes time to stand sill when that happens. i desire her to love me! how could that be? i really dont know. is it bad to desire someone’s love, even if it means more hurt for them?

i dont think my heart wants to know. cause it overrules all these thoughts of logic and reasoning. it only know that it does not have that love which it desires so madly. it just wants that love and will not stop feeling deeply distressed. almost in a permanent state of lamentation.

its strange that the insight came to me when i looked at heavens. or may be its not so strange after all. it was the night when in a deep melancholic state i looked up at the dark and starry sky and thought about all this. i have always believed in an intelligent entity woven  all around us in everything. may be there was indeed some kind of communication and revelation. i realized why my heart was actually distressed. i knew that our paths had to lose each other. no matter what. i had made a choice. there was only one way out!

Strange how love makes you forget all the past realizations and turns your focus only on the present. but isnt that what every one tells us to do? live in the present. and ‘they’ also tell us that love is the greatest of all the things. but why does it feel like the whole world around you is conspiring up to force you into doing the opposite? i feel like a coward sometimes. but i also believe that in the end the most important thing that matters is how you feel. does it mean that i am afraid? afraid of the world. afraid of living in it. afraid of the good things in it. afraid of life.

even as i am thinking about all these my mind is forced back into thoughts about the one thing that i dont have. it is steered into sadness at the thought of not having the one love that it so pathetically desires. it is back composing sad poetic phrases most of which get lost in random thoughts, just like the moments i spend these days. i am not able to seek my way out of this invisible shell around me that says “i am going to be a loser” all over it. feels like a part of me now.  it also feels like i need to get used to it. but i am still trying.


To a Friend

As you came in life

You gave me love

You gave me peace

And I’m not pretending

You gave me strength

You kept me going

You have been with me

You ‘ve been understanding


You tought me ways

To make things right

You have the grace

Of a little child

You gave me wisdom

You brought me joy

You shared my pain

You kept me sane


You killed my hunger

You quenched my thirst

You made my day

In sunshine and rain

You are my friend

You’ve been always

Cause of you

Life is not in vain

Song of the Subconscious

I am invincible

My soul, indestructible

My life is infinite

Shaded from Mortality

I create my destiny

Fate is but my choice

Nothing dominates me

The Spirit hears my voice

Darkness cannot keep me

My path lights up from within

Diseases cannot harm me

I am self-regenerating

I can see everything

I’ve got all I need

Consciousness guides me

I am liberated and free

I am invincible

My soul, indestructible

My life is infinite

A part of the Immortal Tree

No Remorse

Aim for stars

That fade out before you reach them

Touch down deep

In the deep-sea but miss the pearl

Build a castle

Then burn it down once its all done

Climb to top

When it’s all set for the downfall

Seek answers

To a question with no end

Dream a dream

But don’t wake up to make it real

Live a lie

Cause living true might be less fun

No remorse

Nothing is insignificant

To Love And Not Show

A room with lazy lights

Hazy eyes and glowing floor

Drifty noises filled the air

dispersed thru the electric pores


A room full of unknown faces

Strange people from strange places

Bringing back memories from a distant past

Had to believe that everything would last


There i saw her sitting at the bar

Wearing a red dress and puffing a cigar

She looked at me and sipped her last

Then made her way to the captain’s car


Sometimes you have to call it quits

As you realize you are out of your wits

So its ok to leave and let it go

Its ok to love and not show

de ja vu

will you ever know how it feels like to love someone who doesnt love you back? how it feels like to be awake in the middle of the night, when the rainfall never stops and your stomach is always in ropes. perhaps someday you’ll know how it feels like to be me. perhaps someday you’ll see, what you have done to me. how traumatizing it is to remain friends with someone you are madly in love with. to see somebody else become all that you wanna be, all that you’ll never be. to be flooded with the streams of moments that you could never be a part of. how agonizing it is to see their face every moment, everywhere you go, in everything you do. perhaps someday you will know why my heart turned blue. its true, oh yeah, its true. i’ll always love you. and you’ll never love me.

i dont understand your conciliation. god! i dont understand you. a girl like you who knows it all should also know that it really hurts. its not your fault that you dont love me. but hay, not mine either that i fell in love with you. strange, how we get haunted by the very love we’ve always wanted. how did it come to be like this?! i dont know. may be its just me. and my stupid senses. i never wanted to forget you. but i wanted the weights taken off my chest. it was coming down. it was  slipping away. and for a moment i thought i can live thru. but you didnt give me a chance. i saw the moon dance, on a melancholic song from the east. a bloody beating sphere of red. lands a shockwave in all directions. blowing me back to square one, where i started. beaten, broken, looking all gray. perhaps the only way out is to go away. its getting hard for me to say. getting hard for me to stay.

I still watch the moondance on a song from the east….